today was a fine day, after a-very-gloomy-and-busy week last week. everyone tried to pretend nothing was happened but still, i could trace the sadness on every face after the incident of our beloved late Ahmad Syamil Bin Basri :( .
*silence for 2-3 minutes to recite Al fatihah for Allahyarham*
Last week, i just went through very hard days. internal and external problem get mixed and supposedly i'd to be matured enough to overcome both but sadly i just cant. once again, i felt thousands of depressing feelings lingering my day. trust me, i am not that strong anymore. i'm afraid that today is my last day to live.
to be frank, its not the matter of how and when i will die what am i concerning about, but its about the life after it. am i ready to face Allah with a lots of sins and a lil of good deeds? :|
looking back on what i had done previously, bad deed keep done continuously. i try to improve myself day by day. but is it enough? i had no answer for it. sometimes i feel envied to some people who had no islamic schooling background but could live in a very religious way. awful me. like seriously.
but alhamdulillah i live in a safe and secure environment. though its hard for me to live in this rural area (perasan urban HAHA), among the typical malay minded people but i glad i got friends that will always lead me to the correct path. maybe i'm too pressured on thinking of my past and that's why i'm not on my track. so lets kneel down to Allah and hoping for "hidayah" from Him to help me to choose which way i should heading to.
p/s : this BLOG of my chinese senior was really inspiring me, senior Piipy Hap aka Xueli Chuah. she is on her way to Islam and i hope Allah will bless her with tons of hidayah :)